I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
