I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
