I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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