that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
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