youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
