Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize