Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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