omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
