so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
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