Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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