I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
