Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
