Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
