I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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