I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
