Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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