i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.