no, he came in my armpit
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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