I'm so fucking centered right now
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
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The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
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Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
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