I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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