In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Randomize
