my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
