I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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