FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Randomize
