I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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