Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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