My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
