It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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