Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
My gift to the freshman: I made an illegal stop, rolled out and dropped to my hands and knees and puked in front of the south campus dorms and about 20 families. Welcome to OSU
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
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