I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
