At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
