Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
