By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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