I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
