first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
