I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize
