I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
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