ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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