My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
