Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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