I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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