Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
How is it? Sketchville?
cheap drinks and peanuts cancel out any form of sketchiness
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
