It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i drank out of a bidet.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
