He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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