He kissed a someone with a penis
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
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