honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
