He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
