I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
