do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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