A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
