you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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