Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."