It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
