So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
