i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
