I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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